Revenge
by PixieDust Love
Summary: CHAPTER SIX IS UP! Hermione decides to take revenge and does so by writing a list and acting out the items on it of ways to annoy snape!
1. the beginning

Alright….I read the list of 301 ways to annoy Snape, and I couldn't resist. I just had to write my own story. So far, I have thought of three things to do, which are my own, or at least I thought of them on my own….someone else has prolly thought of em too. Anyway, if anyone knows who came up with the list, I can mention it, or if anyone has any ideas of their own, than ill be glad to write them into my story and give that person credit.

I don't own anything Harry Potter related duh!!

I am going to forewarn you that this stuff'll prolly be outta character, cuz I plan on using Hermione as my main person, and I am not going to try and make it like her, cuz I doubt that she would ever do these things. Oh, one more thing…my story writing style is fashioned off of Lamentations of a starry-eyed twit.

So here we go, chapter one: Barking Mad

January 15th

9:30 PM

I think that I have gone mad. In fact, I am positively sure of it, because a sane me would never be doing this. It just so happens that right now, I am bent over a piece of paper writing a list. And now I think you had better sit down, because I am writing a list…. Of ways to annoy Severus Snape. Yes, see, now you agree. I am barking mad. Although, I do have a reason. After all the hell that man has caused me I'd like to think that I deserve a little bit of revenge. After all, it is half way through my senior year, and I have read all the books in the library several times over, am utterly bored with classes, andhereallypissedmeoff.

….

How on earth did that slip out? Stupid me, writing in pen. Erm, well, I think I'll go to bed now, and no I don't want to talk about it.

9:35 PM

Leave me alone! I already said I don't want to talk about it and……have I mentioned that I'm a raving lunatic? I am after all, writing to an inanimate object as though it were a person. Ugh, I need sleep.

9:37 PM

Fine, since you are so interested to know, I will tell you. Although, if I start breaking into strings of profanity, you will have to excuse me. No you won't, because you can't excuse me, you're an inanimate object. You're not alive.

Bloody mad.

Umm…..anyway, so Snape the Bastard decided to be bastardish to me today. I mean honestly, when I wrote that love letter, it certainly sounded nice to me, but Snape the Bastard can make anything sound horrible.

Bastard.

Anyway, I have decided it's time for revenge, and am writing a list of things to do. I only have three things so far, but I'm sure seeing him will give me a few ideas. Time for bed.

11: 00 PM

What? You wake me up because I didn't say goodnight to you? 

….I refuse to believe I just wrote that…and I refuse to believe I just whispered good night to you. Oh god…I…am going to sleep. Good night.

That's the end of chapter one. I know its short, but I thought it was a good place to end. Hmm…..I am not sure this is turning out so well. Is it even funny? Iunno… review if you want to tell me how much it sux. Hope you liked it.


	2. tasks 1&2

Alright…. I read the list of 301 ways to annoy Snape, and I couldn't resist. I just had to write my own story.. 

I don't own anything Harry Potter related duh!!

For right now, all ideas in this story *all of the ways to annoy Snape) are my own. If/When I start using others ideas, you will know.

I am going to forewarn you that this stuff'll prolly be outta character, cuz I plan on using Hermione as my main person, and I am not going to try and make it like her, cuz I doubt that she would ever do these things. Oh, one more thing…my story writing style is fashioned off of Lamentations of a starry-eyed twit.

So here we go, chapter two: tasks one and two

January 16th

9:30 AM

Nervous…Nervous…Nervous… I really am not sure anymore whether I want to do this. I could get in big trouble for it couldn't I? And I can't even ask Harry or Ron what they think because I decided that it would be twice as fun if they didn't know, and I just started doing these things in his class.

They'd probably think I was crazy…I think I'm crazy…so then we could all join one big club to celebrate my insanity. No…I don't think I am going to do it. I can't. Better get ready for class.

9:33 AM

I am still not going to do it. In fact, I am going to put the list into the fire now, just so there is no way I can do it.

9:34 AM

DEAR GOD!! AM I INSANE??!! Whew…that was close. I was barely able to save the paper in time. Almost got my effing fingers fried. But that's okay…at least the list is safe…that's all that matters now. Poor little list, almost turned to ash. Its okay now, I wont do it again, I promise.

…

I wont even go into that.

9:37 AM

In case you couldn't tell I have decided to do one of the items on my list. I'm thinking I'll go for the weight tactic. So, today's task…

Ask him "you look a little heavier, have you gained weight?" 

Okay, so whoever finds this journal, I ask you to give me a nice funeral. I'm off to the dungeons. Wish me a swift death.

1:00 PM

Hold on a moment I am afraid that all I can do at the moment is shake my head. That was really horrible. I'll come back when I'm done with this fun activity of hanging my head.

1:01 PM

OKAY FINE!!! You saw right through that. It was great. That was so much fun I cant wait until I come up with a bunch more things to do. Now I am having trouble sitting still. I think I'll go work off some excess energy by running a few laps around the school. I'll be back when I'm calm.

7:10 PM

Okay that was fun. Now I am really tired. And I smell so bad. I have got to take a shower.

7:47 PM

Now, my guess is that you want to know how it went? Okay, I'll tell you.

I got into the room, and took my normal seat near Harry and Ron. They kept looking at me funny so it is my guess that I was looking suspicious. But they had to stop and start working on their potion when professor Snape came in. As always I finished my potion earliest, which of course allowed me even more time to be nervous. I had to wait for just the right moment to come along, or else, it wouldn't work. And then suddenly, there it was…the perfect moment. The room was totally silent. I took a deep breath for courage and then asked a question. Shooting my hand into the air, I asked,

"What should we do when we are done Professor?" He informed me that I should sit quietly and keep myself occupied. I interrupted by yelling, "Wait! Hold Still!" He sort of froze while I stared at him like I was terribly confused, and then I said it. "Professor Snape, you look a little heavier. Have you gained weight?"

Silence.

Then everyone burst into laughter. I tried not to blush too much, and I forced myself to stare right back at him defiantly, attempting not to smile. He replied sternly, "And you look a little chubby too Ms. Granger. Five points from Gryffindor for Ms. Granger's imprudence. Tonight you shall serve detention with me at eight. Don't be late!"

Here I burst right out laughing. Honestly, that man was funny. I was possibly the skinniest person in the school. When I got control of myself and Snape had control of the class, we fell back into silence, and I went back to reading. For the rest of the period, I could feel Ron's and Harry's glances on my back.

After class I rushed out as fast as I could, and am now hiding from the two of them. I still think it is too early to tell them what is going on.

I must go to detention now…and I just thought of a good one to do. Chances are he is going to make me do something really despicable, like cleaning out vials, so this is my second task.

Hurl everything he gives you at a wall, then inform him that it was an accident, and it slipped out of your hands.

He is going to be sooooooo mad!!! I'll probably have to pay for everything that I break. It'll be worth it though!

Wish me courage!

12:05 PM

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT BASTARD KEPT ME TILL TWELVE?? I am so mad…that I can hardly write right. I just want to murder that man. Shtupid Shtupid Shtupid!!! Okay, deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath…calm yourself. I can do it. JERK! Okay…I'm calm.

ASSHOLE!

Sort of.

12:10 PM (or is it AM now?)

Can….Hardly….Keep…..Eyes…..Open…..

…….

……..

So anyway…as much as I hate Snape, it was quite fun to throw things about. Good anger management. Oh my, I must wipe this evil smile off my face…there that's better.

So before I tell you what happened I must tell you something else first. As I was on my way down to the room, everyone was talking about what I had said. 

"Has he gained weight?"

"I don't know…it is possible"

"I think she was just lying"

"You know…I do think that he looks a little heavier."

I laughed all the way down there. And people had such different reactions to seeing me walk by. Some looked at me like I was the most disgusting thing in the world. Others appraised me for my "good deed". Some people even came up and asked me for my autograph. I mean really! I suppose most of all, everyone was just really surprised. Me, Hermione, the goody two shoes, smartest girl in the school. Me, annoy Snape? But it just went to show how little people really knew me. Or maybe it is because no one has ever pissed me off as much as he did. That's probably the reason. Heck, I didn't even know I could be so vengeful. Oh well, I think I'm getting drunk on it. I had by then, only done one thing, and already I couldn't wait to do the next. Though my second way to annoy him was really vicious…but sooo fun. Oh my, I must clean up my drool. Oh right, so back to the story.

I reached the room without too much trouble. I was just on time as always, and I went in. He wanted me to hold a tray with ingredients on it for him. I could do nothing else but say yes, so I held it…for a while. Then, I remembered what my plan had been. I shut my eyes in a silent prayer that he wouldn't kill me, and then, just as he was reaching for another ingredient, I…DROPPED IT!!! I simply tilting my hand, and let ht tray fall to the ground with a clatter. All the ingredients were in glass containers, so as soon as they touched the ground, they shattered into pieces. The tray itself fell to the ground with a dull thud. All the contents ingredients from the containers spilled across the ground, which I might add was very gross. Half dead worms, tongues, claws… I tried not to shudder.

He looked surprised at first, then his eyebrows snapped together angrily. He towered over me as blood rushed to his face.

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT??!!" He screamed at me.

I tried to sound innocent as I informed him, "But sir! I didn't mean to do it on purpose."

I don't think he believed me, because he continued to tower over me, blood still rushing to his face. He didn't look any happier, or sympathetic. He continued yelling at me…I'm not sure what he said I wasn't exactly listening. Finally, I forced my eyes to fill with tears, and then he stopped. Looking down at me in a strange way, he forced himself to take a deep breath and calm down. 

"It's fine this time. Lets try something else." I nodded my head in what I hoped was a sad way.

"Yes Sir," I whispered softly. So we moved on. This time he was washing out vials, and I was drying them. I wondered gleefully, whether any detention could be more perfect for my plans. He handed me one to dry. I screwed my eyes shut gathering up some stray courage, and I chucked the glass tube at the opposite wall. "Oh no sir, it was an accident," I said quietly. He looked at me in a way I could not possibly describe, and could never imitate. He looked back to the dishes a moment, then started washing another one. He handed it to me, and I chucked it at the next wall. "Oh sir, I am so sorry, it just slipped." He started washing the tubes a little bit more forcefully, nearly attacking them with the scrubber, most likely in a similar way that he wished he could attack me. Each time he handed me one, I made it nice and obvious that I threw it at the wall opposite, then made up some pathetic excuse.

"It was just so slippery" or "I'm just so trembly, it slipped" or "You didn't hand it to me right" and so on. Each time he looked at me in that strange way, and then scrubbed the tubes even harder. Finally it would appear he had enough, for instead of handing the next vile to me, he chucked it at the wall himself. 

"Ms. exclaimed!" He exclaimed. He took a breath and forced his voice down. "Why don't we try something else then."

Taking my arm roughly, he led the way to the storage room. As he pulled me inside he explained that I would be reorganizing ALL of the potion ingredients in the cupboard alphabetically. 

…..

…..

…..

…WAS HE TRYING TO TEMPT ME!!!! One look into his mischievous eyes told me that was exactly the case. Eeevvvvviiiiiillllll. Well, fine, if he was testing me, I might as well not let him down, eh? Oh no! That evil grin is on my face again.

Getting on with it. So he started on the opposite side as me, and we started working. At first I didn't want to touch anything, but after he yelled at me to get my lazy arse moving, I didn't have much of a choice. I reach up picked up a bottle and threw it against the wall opposite. Snape's eyebrow's shot up, but he continued working. I should have realized how very strange this was. But for some reason, I think its because I was revenge-hungry, I was getting mad because he wasn't reacting. So I did something HORRIBLE!!

HHOOOOOOOOORRRRRRIIIIIIIBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Alright time for bed…

12:30 AM

Okay fine! Just never threaten to throw yourself in the toilet again.

….

….

Moving on. So it was horrible. I trashed the whole room. I just reached up and swiped all of the jars off of the shelves. Shelf after shelf, jar after jar. I can't stop shaking my head. I can't remember what happened next very well. There was something about me being several unrepeatable bad names, and then I got kicked out. There was a lot of yelling and screaming in between.

……………………………….were you buying any of that? OH MY GOD!!! YOU WERE!!! Hold on a moment while I burst into laughter. Goodness I am not quite THAT crazy. Like I would ever knock all of the ingredients off. I am not that cruel hearted either.

Well, actually, I am. See, I was ABOUT to knock them all off, but I think I only got through the first five before he had grabbed my hand and thrown me out of there. Then he sat me at a desk and continued to talk in that cool voice of his…wasn't really listening of course, though I did pick up that I would be serving detention with him for a month. At first I was horrified at the prospects, but then I realized how perfect it was. I would have a month of every night to bother him. Well, that was basically it. He threatened me with this and that, and blah blah blah blah blah blah. But then he did something I couldn't believe

He walked me to the dorm room. He said it was so I couldn't cause any more trouble…jerk…well it was totally disturbing. Walking all that distance with him beside me. Not saying anything. Must…suppress…shudder. He said goodnight to me at the dorm, then left, and I went in and am now writing to you.

It is now one o'clock in the morning, so I must get to bed. I will dream about what sinister thing to do to him next.

P.S. I really am not that mean. As soon as I can go to Gringotts, I plan to withdraw enough money to pay him back for everything I broke. And, on the last day of school I am going to tell him sorry. So, see? I am NOT really that mean….I just thought I should convince you…because you didn't seem very convinced…

…

…

goodnight!

Okay that's chapter two. If you have suggestions for ways to annoy him, leave them In a review or email me, and ill put the best ones in (and give you credit of course!) hope ya enjoyed!


	3. task 3

I don't own anything Harry Potter related duh!!

**I am going to forewarn you that this stuff'll prolly be outta character**, cuz I plan on using Hermione as my main person, and I am not going to try and make it like her, cuz I doubt that she would ever do these things. 

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR WONDERFUL REVIEWS!! There are over 20, so I can't even thank you all individually, but you really made my day. And I love all your suggestions. I had wanted to write a few more chapters with my own ideas, but I couldn't wait. My sister picked one out from the suggestions, so here it is.

Chapter 3: task 3

**January 17th**

**7:28 AM**

Yawn…. stupid bastard,,, which means SNAPE!! Which reminds me, when I go to the library today, I must remember to find out in which languages Snape means bastard, or jerk, or asshole, or shit head…must be every language.

What a way to wake up in the morning, thinking of Snape…

…

In a BAD way of course, honestly, such a sick mind you have. I actually can't wait till class next Thursday; I've already got something planned out involving his hygiene. So I have to think of something to do today… OH I KNOW!!! I think I'll carry this one on for a while. Here it is.

Sneeze every time he is within five feet of you. Say you think you are allergic to him.

I'll go with this until next week.

Well I think I'll get a little bit of homework done before I go down to breakfast in the great hall. Wish me lots of devilish fun!

**8:00 AM**

Hmm…that wasn't as fun as I expected, but I guess I can't have perfect results every time, besides, it was only the first day…after a week he might get it through his thick head what I'm doing.

So here's what happened:

It just so happened that on my way down to the Hall, I ran into him. As soon as he was in range, I began to sneeze like crazy, and I made it really dramatic too. He didn't even look at me, but as I continued my way another student looked at me sympathetically and said "allergies eh?"

I had a good laugh over that.

Anyway, I made my way to the Gryffindor table, and it just so happens that after the meal had been served, and we were all eating, Snape came stalking into the room, and walked up the aisles to the high table. As he got within five feet of me, I began working up a really big sneeze.

"Ah…. ah…AH…. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH………CHOOOOOOOO!!!!"

I sent half of my plate onto Ron and Harry's, and made sure to flail frantically and knock over some glasses as I sneezed. I turned around to Snape and said "excuse me sir, I seem to have allergies" sweetly. He just looked at me kind of strangely and continued on to the table. Ron and Harry were glaring at me and complaining at the food that was now all over their face.

"Sorry guys," I smiled innocently before helping myself to more food.

I'm bored...I think I'll try and find something to do.

**8:07 A.M**

OOOOOHHHHH!!!!! I found something really fun to do, but it died, so I'm bored again. [A/N hi its me, I just wrote this in randomly…you can take it whatever way you want!]

**8:08 A.M.**

I found something fun to do again…to write to you!!!

**8:10 A.M.**

Really, its quite fun to write to you.

**8:11 A.M.**

YAY!! I'm just having so much fun. Ladeeda!

**8:13 A.M.**

It's losing its fun-ness

**8:14 A.M.**

It's going…

**8:15 A.M.**

Going….

**8:16 A.M.**

Going…

**8:17 A.M.**

Fun again!!!

**8:18 A.M.**

Going…

**8:19 A.M.**

Gone….

**8:25 A.M.**

Well, that was great while it lasted. Hmm…. I think I'm going to find Snape, I thought of something fun to do.

Ask him, "Can I have detention?" Just for kicks. (Thanks ErisDevan!)

Be back soon!

**Noon**

Hold on while I smack my head against a wall. Stupid girl! I forgot that he would be having a class at the moment. So basically…I walked right into his class, went up to him at his desk, and asked…

"Excuse me sir, but…can I have detention?" I think I might have made him speechless, but he quickly covered it up.

"Ms. Granger, you haven't done anything to deserve a detention." He said smoothly, trying to keep his calm.

"Doesn't interrupting your class count?"

"No, because you asked me a legitimate question."

WHAT!! Was Snape actually giving up a chance for detention?? Too bad...I wasn't going to let him get away with it.

"Well sir," I said while grabbing his quill away, "does that deserve a detention?"

"Ms. Granger stop acting like a child, and give me back my quill. No, it's not worthy for detention."

"How bout," I snapped his quill in two, "that. Does that?"

"Ms. Granger, you are a nuisance. Get out of my class!" His eyes flashed angrily as he repaired his quill.

"Sir! All I want is detention!" Scanning around, I grabbed a delicate looking jar off his desk and hurled it to the ground. Smiling sweetly I raised my eyebrows in a question.

"50 points from Gryffindor for stupidity and you will be serving detention with Filch tonight at eight. Now get out!"

"That's all lovely sir. But…I want detention with you." I carefully forced myself not to laugh. He could take that statement however he wanted.

"50 more points, Ms. Granger. Be here at eight sharp. Now…GET…OUT!!"

"Great sir…it's a date then. I'll wear something nice. See ya then!"

I ran as fast as I could. Laughter from the students echoed a long time after. I think I just lost all the respect he had from that class…

poor guy…

…

…

Oh well.

I'm going to make tonight very busy with lots of torturing. My goodness…I seem to grin evilly an awful lot recently. Better get to lunch. Harry and Ron keep yelling at me to hurry p and get downstairs.

**Credit for **Ask him, "Can I have detention?" Just for kicks **is given to ErisDevan**. **THANKS****!!!**

If you have suggestions for ways to annoy him, leave them in a review or email me, and ill put the best ones in (and give you credit of course!) hope ya enjoyed! **ALSO…. tell me if you think a romance should develop between Snape and Hermione. Thanx!**


	4. tasks 4,5,6,7,8&9

I don't own anything Harry Potter related duh!!

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR WONDERFUL REVIEWS!! I love all the suggestions, and I can't wait to use them!!

Tasks where no credit is given are mine, unless you know its yours, and I forgot….then you can yell at me. Otherwise its mine!!

SHEESH!! Everyone keeps asking about the **love** **letter**!! Its nothing of importance…it woulda simply been to whomever she likes (which doesn't matter in this story) and Snape took it as he made his normal rounds!! Oh another thing……"Ms. Exclaimed!" Snape exclaimed is meant to be Ms. Granger…but im guessing you prolly got that!!!

**NOTES: **SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG!!!!! I'm lazy! And have writer's block.. But that's still no excuse…and finals are next week *shudders* I am going to die!!!!

A relationship will not evolve (at least not yet) between the two of them. I polled people, and the majority said no. But its okay…for the next chapter, I have it all planned out *smiles evilly* you'll get your fill of romantic nonsense

Chapter 3: tasks 4, 5, & 6

**January 17th**

**7:45 PM**

………..

……….

………..

……….

BWAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR…

………..

……….

HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR!!!!

Evil Hermione is planning to strike tonight. She's stealthy, she's insane, she's suave, she's slick, she's smart, she's just plain evil! Prowling on innocent (and not so innocent) souls in the middle of the night (and day), top notch trickster of the school (expect for the weasley twins). Evil Hermione LIVES!!!!!! Revenge will be mine…hers……

…….

…….

…….MINE!!!!!

……..

……..

……..

Who in the bloody hell just wrote that. Hmm….It looks an awful lot like MY handwriting. I think I have an evil twin sister trying to ruin my life!! NOOOOOO…

….

….

YES!!!!!!

…..

……

Tonight is going to be a hell of a good time!!!! I have three things planned so far, along with continuing my last task with the allergies. And I may still do more as it strikes me!! EVIL HERMIONE RULES THE DUNGEONS, AND ALL HER SUBJECTS FEAR AND ADMIRE HER TAUNTING WAYS!!!!!!!

………

………

yea…what she said.

Well, we wouldn't want to be late for detention now than would we?? We want to have the maximum time. Better go.

**7:53 PM**

Hey! I thought we had agreed there would be no more threatening to burn ourselves as a method of getting something out of me!!! Oh you say its so affective, eh? Oh yea? Well……see if I care if you burn yourself…go on and do it. I don't care!

**7:55 PM**

DEAR GOD THAT IS THE SECOND TIME YOU'VE DONE THAT!!!!!!! I TELL YOU DON'T DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!! I am going to put a fire retardant on you, AND I'm going to keep a fire extinguisher handy!! Now GOOD BYE! You are going to make me late to detention!

**7:56 PM**

Hehehe…..you thought I was actually gonna leave without telling you…..oh….you didn't…well…..i thought it was funny…….

………

……….

I give up. Here is what I am planning on doing.

_"Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs and say that Draco really wants to know" (thanx Brittany Malfoy and citrinecastle_ (you both suggested it))

Say things in Spanish that don't really apply or make sense." (thanx ErisDevan)

In the middle of random quiet moments, magic the chair out from under him. (thanx ErisDevan)

Laugh or giggle continuously for no reason whatsoever and don't stop until he tells you to stop, stop and look at him like a deer in head lights, then go right back to laughing. (thanx again ErisDevan)

Variation: Laugh in strange ways (like the tigger laugh) and say it was the red cordial from lunch (thanx vicous pixie)

Ask him, "Dude where's my car?" Then burst out laughing. 

_Dramatically fall into Snape's arms and say, "oops I tripped."_(thanx Sammy Rettop Malfoy Snape)

Its going to be madness!!! Can't wait to tell you what happens.

**12:33 PM**

I forgive Snape for letting me leave so late, because THAT ROCKED!!! EVIL HERMIONE STRIKES AGAIN!!!!

Alrighty..ugh, my hand is going to hurt like hell when I am done with writing all of this. And I might simply fall asleep in the middle of it. Oh well…her it goes…

So, I got to class just in time, and he let me in. He seemed kinda confused, like he wasn't sure whether I was actually going to show up or not. I walked in the door, and to ease him into the insanity I was simply smiling. He told me what I was to do… make some simple potions for Madame Pomfrey that we had recently been working on in class. I went to get all of the ingredients and when I came back and started working, I began to laugh. At first, I started with a light giggle, then I worked to a full-throttled laugh.

"Ms. Granger, are you mad?"

Am I mad? Like you wouldn't believe…stupid man! That's about what was going through my head as I laughed ever harder.

"Ms. Granger, keep quiet!"

I paused in my laughing, forced my face to be serious and stared at him with wide eyes.

….

….

Then I went right back to laughing. I swear I saw his eye twitching angrily as I continued to laugh and work on my potions. I didn't think he could handle it for much longer…and he couldn't.

"SILENCE!!!"

I looked at him for a moment then told him "No hablar en el cubo por favor."(no talking in the trash can please.

"Talk in english Ms. Granger! Your stupidity is getting to me!"

"Professor Snape es tan listo que chuga!"(Snape is as smart as a lettuce) Here I doubled over in laughter, my face red and hot from laughing so much. Staggering over to his desk behind which he sat I leaned on the desk and asked him in all seriousness…

"Dude where's my car?" In a valley-girl-meets-red-neck-hick-from-England type accent. Then laughed all the more. Random? My point exactly.

This time, when I laughed I switched to a Goofey(as in the character from muggle tv shows) laugh which went more like "ahoey ahoey ahoey"

"MS. GRANGER! SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND FINISH YOUR POTIONS!"

Again with the deer-in-headlights look, before continuing to laugh. I sat down and went to work on my potion, trying to concentrate while laughing and giggling all the while. Every few minutes I changed my laughing style. One minute, tigger, the next minute, a Frenchman. Donkey, pig, fish(a lot of gurgling really…I almost chocked on my own spit), and every other animal, type of laugh(chortling, cackling…), person, and inanimate object I could think of that makes sound.

Unfortunately, I got to a harder part in the potion, so I had to tune my wild laughing down to a minimum. As soon as I finished that part, I reached into my robes and grabbed my wand. Surreptitiously glancing up, I saw that Snape's eyes were down on his papers, and not me. I imagined Mr. Burns from The Simpsons saying "excellent," and felt like doing just that. 

Anyway, I quietly whispered, "Accio chair." And……the chair flew right out from under Snape's butt!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ducking quickly as the chair came flying at me full force, I jumped out of my seat and ran up to Snape, who was know lying on the ground.

"Professor Snape, are you okay?" I tried to sound concerned, keeping my face serious.

My goodness, that man was stunned. But that quickly melted into anger. Ms. Granger, what in the bloody hell do you think you are doing. Do you want a-"

While he was talking, I had continued walking towards him when suddenly, I tripped. Oh no..how silly of me. My foot seems to have caught on the air and now I am falling….falling…..falling…..falling right on Snape. Note my sarcasm…

I knocked Snape, who had just been struggling to get up, back down.

I sat up on him, my legs straddled to each side of him, and said quite simply, "oops, I tripped."

Pause…

Silence…

Staring contest…

Glaring contest…

"Ms. Granger if you wouldn't mind-" 

"You know sir, since we're already here-"

"I would like to-"

"I might as well go ahead and ask you-"

"Even though this is endless fun for me-"

"Do you wear boxers or briefs?"

"I would really like to be getting up n-what did you say?"

"I asked you if you were wearing boxers or briefs…Draco Malfoy really wants to know," I grinned.

Silence and a stunned look from his end.

"Awww….too shy to say? I'll just check myself then…"

I pulled apart his robes to check for myself.

He recovered quickly saying….."I wear neither" with a triumphant smirk.

"Is that so? I bet Draco will really love to hear that," I answered, my remark causing his face to fall. Ha, thought he had beat me there. I don't think so!!

Well…that's about all that happened. I got off him and said. "You know, it's a good thing you softened my fall. I could have hurt myself." I didn't wait for a response as I grabbed my things and walked towards the door. At the door, I turned around and said in a superior manner, "By the way, the potions are on the table." Then left.

I laughed all the way back to the common room!! That's all that happened. As soon as I got back, I started writing in you. 

Oh! One last thing! While I was sitting there on top of Snape (after tripping mind you) I thought of the greatest things to do to him. I, am going to act like I love Snape. And I mean completely, absolutely, positively, without a doubt, in love. Sounds fun don't ya think?? 

Well, it's really late, so I had best go to bed. In fact I am really proud of myself that I actually got through writing this whole thing andZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ………………………….

_If you have suggestions for ways to annoy him, leave them in a review or email me, and ill put the best ones in (and give you credit of course!) hope ya enjoyed!****_

**_._**

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**_Should Snape start taking revenge?? Another question for you to answer!_**

****

**_Yes: 1_**

**_No: 0_**


	5. Explanation & Tasks 10, 11, 12

I don't own anything Harry Potter related duh!!

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR WONDERFUL REVIEWS!! I love all the suggestions, and I can't wait to use them!! Tasks where no credit is given are mine, unless you know its yours, and I forgot….then you can yell at me. Otherwise its mine!!

NOTES: last chapter should have been January 19th, instead of 17th.

Chapter 5: explanation & tasks 10, 11, 12

February 11 

**7:55 PM**

Oh my baby, my sweety, my precious!!!!! I missed you so very much! Almost a whole month since I last wrote to you, and so many bad things have occurred since then.

Most of it is much too sad and depressing, and simply long, to write down…but I will give you a brief account.

It was soon after I last wrote in you, and me, being the arse that I am, decided to bring you along to Potions, so I could write Snape's reaction to my latest prank. Unfortunately, my prank went awry, so I never checked if I even had you. It had been a really good prank so I was bummed that it didn't work out, and I didn't feel like writing in you. So, basically I went the whole day without checking that I had you…big mistake.

Sometime during the day (they wont tell me when) Ron and Harry stole you from me. They say I've been acting awfully strange lately, and they wanted to know why. Come to think of it, I did think that it was awfully bizarre that my jar of lizard guts seemed to float off of my desk, do some figure eights in the air, and fall to the floor…

Anyway, they READ you and made me tell them everything I had done, and was planning to do. Of course, after that I screamed and yelled at them for a few hours about stealing you…but then we were all okay. After I finished telling them about all the pranks I had already done, and how I was going to act like I was in love with Snape, they got these bizarre looks on their faces. Like, a light bulb went off in their heads, or Christmas came early. Then they just kind of disappeared for a while, taking you with them, and I have rarely seen them in the past month. They seemed to be avoiding me.

Just last night they suddenly came up to me and acted as though nothing had happened, and started talking to me about other ideas for how to act with Snape. Some absolutely ABSURD ideas. Sadly, they knew I would say no, and they had good ammo prepared against me…you. I do it, and I get you back, I don't, and you burn. So, obviously I was left with no choice. And so, with Valentine's Day coming up, I am going to be very busy.

This past month, I haven't even been able even to piss off Snape at all…yes, I was THAT down. A slight upside was that, because I haven't done anything to Snape, he seems to fear that I have something very bad planned…and actually…I do!!!

Well, that is the gist of what has happened in the past month. And now, I must go get detention from Snape so that I can begin to fulfill my next major task…to act like I am in love with Snape!!

Here is what I am planning on doing to get detention:

_Run through the school and jump into Snape's arms and claim 'there was a mouse' (Nikki)_

" Sir, I completely agree with what Pansey says. You are much hotter than any Malfoy." (marajade179)

February 12 

**Midnight**

I just decided to tell you what happened quickly before I burst into another fit of laughter.

So, I got down into the common room and checked to make sure no one was around. Then, I took a deep breath, opened the portrait of the Fat Lady, and ran out as fast as I could…screaming!! I ran down stairs and through halls, waving my hands about madly and screaming all the while. I glanced behind me once and saw that I had quite a following…eeeexxxxcccceeeellleeeennnnttttt.

Run run.

Pant pant.

Scrrreeeeeeeaaaaaaammmm.

I finally reached the dungeons, ran into Snape's classroom (I didn't actually know whether he would be there. I only could only trust in his evilness to be concocting some horrible new lesson.) It seemed luck was with me, as Snape was sitting behind his desk. For a moment, he looked mildly worried. He wasn't doing what I wanted him to do. He needed to stand up!!

So, I just stood there in front of his desk, and screamed.

"Ms. Granger! Silence!"

Scream.

"MS. GRANGER! SHUT UP!"

Scream.

YES!!! HE STOOD!!! He stalked over to stand in front of me, trying to be intimidating I suppose. As soon as he stopped moving, I leapt at him, and he instinctively put up his arms, so I landed in his arms.

Awkward silence. (Yes I had stopped screaming)

He looked down at me as though he believed I should explain my actions.

"It was a mouse. There was a mouse in my dorm room," I stated, as though this were the most obvious thing in the world.

"A mouse…"

"Yessir."

"In your rooms?"

"Yes."

"Your rooms… up in the Gryffindor tower?"

"Yea."

"All the way across the school…"

"Yup."

I could tell he was getting very upset now. His eye did that funny little twitchy thing it does right before he is about to yell. Yippee!!

"YOU RAN ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SCHOOL, SCREAMING, FOR A BLOODY MOUSE??!!!"

"Awww….you are so cute when you are mad," I said as I pinched his cheek (Thanx Brittany Malfoy) and did that special cheek pinching thingermajiger, that all grandparents know how to do. I stared into his eyes…attempting to look dreamy.

"MS. GRANGER, ARE YOU QUITE AWARE-"

"You know sir, I completely agree with what Pansey says. You are much hotter than any malfoy." I tried not to cringe. Snape? Hot? *shudder*

BWAHAHAHAHAHA…that shut him up. He dropped off mid sentence.

He stared at me.

And stared….

And stared….

AND THEN THAT BASTARD DROPPED ME!!!!!! He just moved his arms and let me fall right on the floor…and in front of all the people who had followed me and were watching the entire scene. *twitch twitch* That's fine…..he'll get it ALLLL back at him. Smirk. Evil smile. Cackle. Okay I had better stop, I am disturbing the peace. Anyway, back to my story.

He (Snape obviously) just towered over me as I lay on the floor and said quite cockily (bastard), "Oh this again, Ms. Granger. Fine then, six o'clock tomorrow."

"Great sir, see you then," I said before winking, getting up, and leaving the room.

Well, its very late, and I have a lot of planning for detention tomorrow and for Valentine's Day, so to bed I go!!!!

To be continued…


	6. tasks 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21

Don't own potty boy and gang… HEY LOOK! THIS STORY IS STILL ALIVE! (and obviously, I am still alive as well, rather unfortunately…)

Yay for it…

Chapter 6: tasks 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21

**February 13**

**6:00 AM**

My.Bum.Hurts… My bum hurts a lot, and you know why? THE BASTARD! That's why. Dropping me, in front of all those people…but its all okay…he has got it coming all back to bite him right in that old wrinkled saggy ass of his. I don't actually know if his bum is like that….but since that is how his personality is, I'm sure his butt is the same!

I have lots of stuff to do today what with detention and meticulous planning for chaos tomorrow! You know what I was thinking…Snape must enjoy what I do to him. Why else would he keep giving me detention with him? He could just give me detention with Filch (shudder) or not give me any at all!

Hmmm…the fact that he might actually like this kind of puts a damper on things…but not enough to stop me from doing it! I'll just have to make it extra awful and embarrassing. Although…I do feel kind of bad…after what happened to him when he was in school here. Why did Harry have to tell me about that incident. Now I hate his father and pity Snape. Who would of thunk it? But, come on. Snape if a full-grown man. He should be able to handle it. I hope…

So detention at six. Better get my sore arse to work. I've got stuff planned for tomorrow, now I just have to do something tonight. Something not too big that will lead him gently into what's going on. OOOHHHHH….maybe I should stalk him for the day just so that I can do as many obnoxious things as possible. Yes, that sounds like a plan.

Here is what I think I'll do today:

**Stalk him all day. Glare at him and when he looks back, look at something else.**

**Stare at him during meal periods. Attempt to mime everything he does.**

**Every time he walks by, throw myself onto the floor in front of him like I'm a raging klutz. **

**Make kissy faces when only he's looking.**

**Draw "cute" little pictures of him and leave them lying around. Leave him little presents, the weirder the better.**

**Make him signs with things like "Snapey" on them with numerous hearts. **

And at detention I'll do all of those plus these:

**Bring him shampoo and tell him his doesn't seem to be working.**

**Give him a hug and tell him Dumbledore said he needed one.**

Aaaaaaand as the grand finale…

**Go up to him at dinner and ask him out on a date in front of all the professors, and when Snape says no (as I'm sure he will…with lots of twitching involved…yay!), blow him a kiss, wink at him, and walk away. **

So as you can see, I have a lot of work ahead of me. Hmm…I think I am going to ask Dumbledore to excuse me from my classes today. I hate to miss classes, but I'd say this "project" is taking precedent at the moment.

I'd better try and catch him before breakfast.

**12:05**

I just decided to pop in before lunch and tell you what has happened so far. Right after writing in you (hehe…that sounds funny. I talk to you like a person and yet I write _in_ you…) I went straight to Dumbledore's office, said the password (lemon drops) and went up. All the time I was deep in concentration trying to think of how to phrase my request so that it sounded like a real project and so that he didn't ask any question.

I heard voices from inside the office, so I made myself comfortable outside knowing the Headmaster would call me in when he was ready. I was still fretting over what to say when the door opened and who should come out other than our favorite potion's master.

Figuring now was as good a time as any to start with my plans, I _threw_ myself out of my chair and onto the ground in front of Snape. From my position on the ground I looked up at the pallid face of Snape and said in complete seriousness:

"Sorry sir. Whenever I'm around you I seem to completely lose control of myself. Its as though you've put a spell on me."

"Yes Ms. Granger, that has indeed become apparent. But don't blame on a spell what you can blame on sheer klutziness." Snape sneered. "If you will excuse me."

"Of course _sir_," I replied, putting emphasis on the title 'sir'. Getting up I bowed gallantly out of his way, keeping my eyes on his the whole time. Just before his eyes left mine, I puckered my lips up and made a popping sound as I feigned a kiss. With a little smile (which was very nearly a smirk) I bowed again and turned to open the door for him.

With a slight crease between his brows he left the room but turned back to say, "I'm glad to see, Ms. Granger, that you are finally acting like a proper young boy." He smirked, and swirled to leave the room.

"Of course. And as a proper young boy I know that ladies always go first… Madame." Although he made no reply to this, I did see his shoulders tighten significantly, which is actually quite a feat considering that he always walks like he's got a stick up his arse. Hell, I wouldn't even call it walking…more like stalking. Yes…stalking…Stalking Snape the Snarky Snake! Oh right…back to what happened.

I went into Dumbledore's office without anymore incident.

"Hello Ms. Granger," he said.

"Hello Headmaster."

With twinkling eyes he replied, "That was quite a show you put on outside Hermione."

"Oh… well… you see…" I blushed. I had forgotten about Dumbledore as I messed with Snape's head.

He smiled jovially, offering a lemon drop. I took one and popped it into my mouth. "I have been expecting this visit for some time, Hermione, and I am simply surprised that you had not come earlier."

Huh? I was severely confused. "I'm sorry sir?"

He just smiled in his kind manner again. "You needn't act so formal around me Hermione, we share secrets." He winked.

I was even _more_ confused.

"Time turner?" Oooooooh. "You may have the day off to use to your own pleasure. I'd tell you to make sure that you get the homework, but I have a feeling that you've already done it."

I blushed again from the compliment. "Thank you." I got up to leave. "Headmaster…how did you-"

"Professor Snape was just in here complaining that a certain student," he raised his eyebrows at me, "was causing him trouble. He seemed very upset. Said this student was acting awfully strange."

"Oh," I laughed nervously. "Is that so?"

"Yes it is. And I told him it must be Valentine's Day fever, and that surely it would pass. But in the meantime, he should just continue on with his usual routine. It will pass Hermione?"

"Of course," I wrinkled my nose. "I'm not actually in love with Professor Snape."

"Good," he smiled mysteriously. "I suggest that you ask Harry whether you can borrow a _cloak_ of his…for the cold of course."

"Of course. Thank you Headmaster."

"Good bye and good luck Hermione."

I smiled, a bubble of excitement pulsing in my stomach. I left his office and headed straight for the dormitory.

I love Dumbledore that sweet, old coot.

Oh right, so I went up to the dormitory, yada yada yada. Lets just say I arrived at the Great Hall for breakfast with a stuffed bag and a very curious Harry running after me.

**1:33**

Ah breakfast. What a lovely event. Especially when you have a jackass of a potions teacher to bug.

I felt that this breakfast would be especially entertaining considering our unexpected interaction earlier. That meant he would already be annoyed. YAY!

As I walked into the hall, I noted a sour-looking Snape staring disinterestedly down at his meal. I stared at him. Keeping my eyes on his face, I continued to walk forward tripping over miscellaneous items and body parts. Finally feeling my way over to the Gryffindor table, I sat down.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

EEEEEK! Look away. I guess Snape must've felt someone's eyes on him, because suddenly his head snapped up and his eyes were searching. I quickly looked down at my food. I kept watching him out of the corner of my eye though.

Still looking around, his hand went for his morning tea. So did mine. I also started to search around in the same manner as he.

He took a sip of tea. So did I.

He picked up his fork and took a bite of his eggs and bacon. So did I.

Suddenly, he leapt up and started doing flips and leaps and headstands. Then he pulled himself out of his robes and started jacking off.

…………

Okay, well, maybe not quite. (ugh, I don't even want to think about why I cam up with something as disgusting as that. I suppose its because disgusting just fits his personality….yes….that's it….) But he did stop looking around, so I immediately started staring at him again. I mimed everything he did.

I even put on a similar sour facial expression. You know? He must have really strong facial muscles to hold his face like that all the time. It's quite difficult. Either that or he has just got a really big and thorny stick shoved up his—

Anywho, this was getting rather boring. Snape is really dense if he can't even tell that I am copying everything he does. I mean, after all, there are only several hundred hormone-driven, loud, obnoxious teenagers in the hall as well. It should be obvious. I mean really!

Ho hum.

Ah I have something to occupy my time. Call Snape stupid in my head.

Snape is stupid. STUPID SNAPE.

STUUUUUUUUUPPPIIIIIIIIDD SNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPEEE!

……………………………

Holy balls of flaming poop. I just said that out loud. And by out loud, I mean I said it, not-in-my-head, and VERY LOUDLY!

I'm going to die a slow and painful death. It's all good. Stay calm. Not everyone is staring at me…and pointing and laughing.

"What on Earth are you staring at?" I asked Harry, artificial surprise in my voice.

"You just said 'stupid' really loudly." He replied, a frown on his face.

"Oh is that so?" I say coolly. "You know, I think perhaps you are imagining things."

"Oh yes, me and the rest of the student body and teachers?"

"Eeeexxaaaaccttllyy."

No response. Understandable. I don't think there really is a response to that.

'If you'll pardon me, Harry, Ron, I must go study now. Fare thee well!" Twiddle my fingers and depart. Before exiting the Hall, I turn and stare straight into Snape's eyes and blow him a kiss. That sure wiped the smirk off his face.

I figure I have to give his face muscles some much-needed rest.

Time to do a little Snape Stalking, yes? Yes. Away I go with my flowing cape.

AWAY!

P.S. Did I tell you I made some "cute" pictures of Snape? Cuz I did. And I must say that they look positively maaaarveloous, darling.

A/N: this chappie is going to be super long…so I split it in two .. R&R pwease!

**Credit:**

Every time he walks by, throw myself onto the floor in front of him like I'm a raging clutz-thanks citrinecastle

Make kissy faces when only he's looking-thanks citrinecastle

Draw "cute" little pictures of him and leave them lying around. Leave him little presents, the weirder the better- thanks citrine castle again .

Make him signs with things like "Snapey" on them with numerous hearts-thanks hpgirl500

Bring him shampoo and tell him his doesn't seem to be working- thanks dara

Give him a hug and tell him Dumbledore said he needed one- Thanks lacewing

_Go up to him at dinner and ask him out on a date in front of all the professors, and when Snape says no, blow him a kiss, wink at him, and walk away- thanks wild childs sister_


End file.
